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Summary
Summary
A new book about parenting from the prolific author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus
John Gray's Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus is a history-making bestseller with more than 7 million copies in print in hardcover. This new book on parenting will round out the relationship mega-brand that John has created.
Focusing on children ages 1-9, John explains that this is the period of dependence in a child's life when character and sense of self are shaped.
Parents everywhere are sure to breathe a sigh of relief that they now have a John Gray book they can turn to help children reach their fullest potential.
Author Notes
Author of the best selling Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (1992) and its sequels, John Gray is a frequent guest on popular talk and news programs on both radio and television and teaches seminars on relationships and communication. He has written over fifteen books including Why Mars and Venus Collide. His books have been translated into 45 languages.
He lived as a monk for nine years, receiving his bachelors and masters degrees in Creative Intelligence from Maharishi European Research University. He received his Ph.D. in psychology from Columbia Pacific University and is a Certified Family Therapist. He is also a consulting editor of The Family Journal. In 2001, he received the Smart Marriages Impact Award.
(Bowker Author Biography)
Reviews (1)
Publisher's Weekly Review
"All children are born innocent and good," asserts Gray, author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. Getting them to cooperate is merely a matter of arousing their natural desire to please their parents, without breaking their fragile will in the process. Five skills of positive parenting induce cooperation, supported by their five underlying messages, one of which is the author's mantra: "It's o.k. to say no, but remember Mom and Dad are the bosses." In a synthesis of old-fashioned authoritarianism and modern psychological sensitivity ("soft love"), parents are urged to view a child's resistance as natural and healthy, and to listen, empathize and finally assert their authority firmly and unemotionally. If this approach sounds unrealistic, it certainly feels right in the context of Gray's penetrating (and often historically minded) psychological explanations. In the hypnotic style of a therapist, Gray gradually replaces parental advice with empathy, and an emphasis on obedience with an emphaisis on cooperation, supplying a new repertoire of one-liners and age-, gender- and temperament-specific suggestions along the way. While placing the entire responsibility for children's behavior on their parents' shoulders, this book essentially simplifies the business of parenting in order to enable children to grow into their strongest, most responsible selves. (Oct.) (c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved
Table of Contents
Acknowledgments | p. xv |
Introduction | p. xvii |
1 Children Are from Heaven | p. 1 |
Every Child Has His or Her Own Unique Problems | p. 2 |
The Five Messages of Positive Parenting | p. 6 |
A Vision of Possibilities | p. 18 |
2 What Makes the Five Messages Work | p. 21 |
The Pressure of Parenting | p. 22 |
Reinventing Parenting | p. 23 |
A Short History of Parenting | p. 25 |
Violence in, Violence out | p. 27 |
Why Children Become Unruly and Disruptive | p. 31 |
A Global Shift in Consciousness | p. 34 |
3 New Skills to Create Cooperation | p. 38 |
Ask, but Don't Order or Demand | p. 38 |
Use "Would You" And Not "Could You" | p. 39 |
Give up Rhetorical Questions | p. 43 |
Be Direct | p. 45 |
Give up Explanations | p. 46 |
Give up Giving Lectures | p. 48 |
Don't Use Feelings to Manipulate | p. 49 |
The Magic Word to Create Cooperation | p. 51 |
A Short Review and Practice | p. 52 |
What to Do When Children Resist | p. 54 |
4 New Skills to Minimize Resistance | p. 55 |
Four Skills to Minimize Resistance | p. 56 |
The Four Temperaments | p. 57 |
Sensitive Children Need Listening and Understanding | p. 58 |
Active Children Need Preparation and Structure | p. 61 |
Responsive Children Need Distraction and Direction | p. 66 |
The Gift of Singing | p. 68 |
Making Chores Fun | p. 69 |
The Gift of Reading | p. 71 |
Using Distraction to Redirect | p. 72 |
Receptive Children Need Ritual and Rhythm | p. 75 |
Loving Rituals | p. 78 |
Practical Rituals | p. 81 |
Giving Our Children What They Need | p. 82 |
5 New Skills for Improving Communication | p. 83 |
Why Children Resist | p. 84 |
Taking Time to Listen | p. 86 |
The Two Conditions | p. 88 |
Hard-Love Parenting | p. 90 |
Soft-Love Parenting | p. 94 |
Learning to Delay Gratification | p. 98 |
Meeting Your Children's Needs | p. 100 |
6 New Skills for Increasing Motivation | p. 102 |
A Short Update on Punishment | p. 103 |
Why and When Punishment Worked | p. 104 |
The Positive Side of Punishment | p. 106 |
The Simple Proof | p. 108 |
The Alternative to Punishment Is Reward | p. 110 |
The Two Reasons a Child Misbehaves | p. 112 |
Why Giving Rewards Works | p. 112 |
Negative Acknowledgments | p. 114 |
Catching Your Child Being Good or Doing the Right Thing | p. 117 |
The Magic of Rewards | p. 119 |
Why Children Resist Our Direction | p. 120 |
Understanding Rewards | p. 122 |
Rewards According to Temperaments | p. 125 |
Sample Rewards | p. 126 |
Always Have Something up Your Sleeve | p. 127 |
A List of Rewards | p. 129 |
Recurring Patterns | p. 131 |
Rewarding Teenagers | p. 132 |
Dealing with a Demanding Child in Public | p. 133 |
Rewards Are Like Dessert | p. 134 |
Learning from Natural Consequences | p. 135 |
The Fear of Rewards | p. 138 |
7 New Skills for Asserting Leadership | p. 140 |
Learning How to Command | p. 141 |
Don't Use Emotions to Command | p. 142 |
It's Okay to Make Mistakes | p. 143 |
When Emotions Are not Helpful | p. 144 |
Yelling Doesn't Work | p. 145 |
Make Your Commands Positive | p. 146 |
Command but Don't Explain | p. 149 |
Commanding Teenagers | p. 151 |
Reasons and Resistance | p. 153 |
A Better Way of Commanding | p. 155 |
Increasing Cooperation | p. 156 |
Choosing Your Battles | p. 157 |
8 New Skills for Maintaining Control | p. 159 |
The Need for Time Out | p. 160 |
How Negative Feelings Get Released | p. 163 |
The Ideal Time Out | p. 164 |
Explaining Time Outs | p. 165 |
Four Common Mistakes | p. 167 |
Too Much Time Out | p. 167 |
Not Enough Time Out | p. 168 |
Adjusting Your Will Versus Caving In | p. 170 |
Expecting Your Child to Sit Quietly | p. 171 |
Using Time Out as Punishment | p. 173 |
Hugging Dad | p. 174 |
When to Give Time Out | p. 174 |
Three Strikes and You Are Out | p. 175 |
When Time Out Doesn't Work | p. 176 |
What Makes the Five Skills Work | p. 177 |
9 It's Okay to Be Different | p. 180 |
Gender Differences | p. 182 |
Different Needs for Trust and Caring | p. 183 |
Continuing to Trust and Care | p. 185 |
Boys Are from Mars, Girls Are from Venus | p. 188 |
Mr. Fix-It | p. 190 |
Mrs. Home Improvement | p. 192 |
When Advice Is Good | p. 194 |
Boys Forget and Girls Remember | p. 195 |
Different Generations | p. 197 |
The Culture of Violence | p. 198 |
Different Temperaments | p. 200 |
How Temperaments Tranform | p. 201 |
Afternoon Activities | p. 203 |
Different Body Types | p. 204 |
Different Intelligence | p. 206 |
Academic Intelligence | p. 207 |
Emotional Intelligence | p. 207 |
Physical Intelligence | p. 208 |
Creative Intelligence | p. 208 |
Artistic Intelligence | p. 209 |
Common Sense Intelligence | p. 210 |
Intuitive Intelligence | p. 210 |
Gifted Intelligence | p. 211 |
Different Speeds of Learning | p. 213 |
Good Here but Not Good There | p. 214 |
Comparing Children | p. 215 |
10 It's Okay to Make Mistakes | p. 217 |
From Innocence to Responsibility | p. 218 |
Whose Fault Is it Anyway? | p. 223 |
Learning Responsibility | p. 224 |
Hardwired to Self-Correct | p. 226 |
Your Child's Learning Curve | p. 226 |
Understanding Repetition | p. 228 |
Learning from Mistakes | p. 229 |
Learning to Make Amends | p. 231 |
Don't Punish, Make Adjustments | p. 234 |
How to React When Children Make a Mistake | p. 236 |
Doing Your Best Is Good Enough | p. 242 |
When it Is Not Okay to Make Mistakes | p. 246 |
Hiding Mistakes and Not Telling the Truth | p. 247 |
Children of Divorced Parents | p. 249 |
Not Setting High Standards or Taking Risks | p. 250 |
Justifying Mistakes or Blaming Others | p. 252 |
Teens at Risk | p. 254 |
Low Self-Esteem and Self-Punishment | p. 256 |
Making it Okay to Make Mistakes | p. 259 |
11 It's Okay to Express Negative Emotions | p. 261 |
The Importance of Managing Feelings | p. 262 |
Learning to Manage Feelings | p. 264 |
Coping with Loss | p. 266 |
Why Expressing Emotion Helps | p. 267 |
The Power of Empathy | p. 269 |
The Five Second Pause | p. 271 |
When Children Resist Empathy | p. 274 |
When Parents Express Negative Emotions | p. 275 |
The Mistake of Sharing Feelings | p. 278 |
Asking Children How They Feel | p. 280 |
What You Suppress, Your Children Will Express | p. 281 |
The Black Sheep of the Family | p. 284 |
Making Negative Emotions Okay | p. 285 |
12 It's Okay to Want More | p. 286 |
The Fears About Desire | p. 287 |
The Virtues of Gratitude | p. 289 |
Permission to Negotiate | p. 291 |
Learning to Say No | p. 292 |
Ten Ways to Say No | p. 294 |
Asking for More | p. 295 |
Modeling How to Ask | p. 296 |
The Power of Asking | p. 297 |
Giving Too Much | p. 299 |
Children Will Always Want More | p. 300 |
Children of Divorced Parents | p. 301 |
The Longing of the Human Spirit | p. 303 |
13 It's Okay to Say No, but Mom and Dad Are the Bosses | p. 304 |
How Parents Affect Their Children | p. 306 |
Coping with Negative Emotions | p. 307 |
The Development of Cognitive Abilities | p. 309 |
Children's Need for Reassurance | p. 310 |
Children Have a Different Memory | p. 312 |
Coping with Increased Will | p. 312 |
Balancing Freedom and Control | p. 314 |
Two Problems of Losing Control | p. 316 |
The Nine-Year Stages of Maturity | p. 317 |
The Development of Responsibility | p. 319 |
Understanding the Generation Line | p. 320 |
Divorce and the Generation Line | p. 323 |
Controlling Your Preteens and Teens | p. 324 |
Using the Internet to Improve Communication | p. 326 |
Getting Support from Other Parents | p. 328 |
14 Putting the Five Messages into Practice | p. 330 |
Mothers and Daughters | p. 331 |
Fathers and Daughters | p. 331 |
Mothers and Sons | p. 332 |
Fathers and Sons | p. 333 |
Teens Secretly Appreciate Limits | p. 334 |
What to Do When Your Child Takes Drugs | p. 337 |
Dealing with Disrespectful Language | p. 338 |
Permission to Speak Freely | p. 340 |
Making Decisions | p. 342 |
The Cycles of Seven | p. 344 |
Why Teens Rebel | p. 345 |
Improving Communication with Teens | p. 347 |
Respect Your Teen's Opinions | p. 348 |
Sending Your Teen Away | p. 351 |
Instead of "Don't" Use "I Want" | p. 352 |
Asking Your Children What They Think | p. 353 |
The Challenge of Parenting | p. 355 |
The Gifts of Greatness | p. 356 |